Edward Cullen Has a Sea Cucumber Down His Pants

Today I’d like to talk about a very important issue: Edward Cullen’s dick. I’ve spent many an hour thinking about The Precious and the delicious log of man meat he must have, stashed betwixt his thighs, when a thought occurred to me. One I didn’t particularly like. And if you stopped to think about it long enough, given the time period in which he turns, you’d probably come to the same conclusion I did… Or not, seeing as how I’ve probably spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about this, but whatevs.

    
I’ve come to the conclusion that Edward Cullen probably isn’t circumcised. I guess I could try and contact Stephenie Meyer to find out for sure, but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that she won’t return my emails. But, given that circumcision wasn’t the norm (in America, at least) before the mid-20^th century, I’m guessing it’s a pretty safe bet he wasn’t.

    
Now I don’t know about you guys, but an uncircumcised penis reminds me of a sea cucumber.

Kinda like this, only without the bumps, which I can only assume are sea cucumber herpes.

    

I don't like to think of The Precious with a sea cucumber down his pants, but alas, that's most likely what you'd find. An ice cold, diamond hard, sparkly, white sea cucumber. In fact, that's probably what you'd find down all the Cullen men's pants... But probably not Jacob's.

   
Now if you looked down Robert Pattinson's pants, would you still find a sea cucumber? Most likely, yes. It's fairly uncommon for males in the U.K. to be circumcised, just like it's fairly uncommon for males in the U.S. to be uncircumcised. Back when I was whoring it up in my single days, I'd never come across foreskin. Not a one. (And for the record, I've never come across foreskin in my married days, either.)

  
However, I'm afraid I'll never get close enough to Rob's junk to test out my hypothesis (which is probably a good thing for him, 'cause I would wreck that shit), so we should just ask Kristen Stewart. She'd know... lucky bitch.